


A paler shade of white

by Ischa



Series: Gerard the littlest vampire [2]
Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic At The Disco
Genre: Child Abuse, Death, M/M, Multi, Sexual Content, Shapeshifting, Vampire Sex, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-24
Updated: 2011-08-24
Packaged: 2017-10-23 00:40:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/244362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ischa/pseuds/Ischa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard is only eight years old when he dies and his unlife begins. Roughly 70 years of Gerard being tiny and emo, Ryan being mean and Travis being awesome. Also, with bonus Pete/Patrick! Gerard's story and a prequel to Shades of black.</p><p><i>His sixth year in he asks about why he doesn't grow up and Brendon looks lost and sad and Spencer's face closes off and Ryan says: “You will always be like this!” in a voice that bears no argument.<br/>“It's because you made me this...this thing,” Gerard answers sharply.<br/>“A vampire, use the fucking word, it will not bite you. I will. Your head off if you snap at me again like that!” Ryan snaps. And Gerard knows better, but he is angry and he hates Ryan so much at times that it scares him.<br/>“So finish the job!” he yells. Brendon takes a sharp breath, standing up.<br/>“Ryan,” he says, because Ryan looks murderous.<br/>“Don't you think for one second I won't!” he says sharply. His voice cold as ice. </i></p>
            </blockquote>





	A paler shade of white

**Title:** A paler shade of white  
 **Pairing:** Frank/Gerard, Ryan/Spencer/Brendon, Pete/Patrick, also kind of Travis/William/Vicky/Gabe  
 **Rating:** R  
 **Summary:** Gerard is only eight years old when he dies and his unlife begins. Roughly 70 years of Gerard being tiny and emo, Ryan being mean and Travis being awesome. Also, with bonus Pete/Patrick! ****  
**Warning(s):** kissing, sex, vampires, mentions of violence and child abuse  
 **Author’s Notes:** Important! This is loosely based on theopteryx' and shoemaster's not!fic. Prequel to 'Shades of black or Gerard the littlest vampire'. Can be read on its own.  
 **Word Count:** 14.851  
 **Beta:** figilio_vampiri and tygermine (Thank you both so much!)  
 **Disclaimer:** Don’t know, don’t own, not real.

\---

  
~1~  
Mikey is sick. He has been sick since that day they were caught in the rain. And it was Gerard's fault. It's Gerard's fault Mikey is sick. Because Gerard is older and he should have known better.   
It's only natural that his mom sends him to fetch the doctor, even if it's getting dark outside already. His dad is away and Gerard doesn't know when he will be back. They never know.

“Don't forget your scarf!” she yells after him, and he grabs it and makes for the door. It's cold outside and it starts to rain again, but that's okay, because no one will see him cry. He needs to hurry so Mikey will get better soon.  
He rounds a corner in full speed and crashes into something solid. He staggers and would have fallen, but a hand grabs his wrist lightening fast. He gasps, tries to say something – a thank you, maybe – and then everything goes black.    
   
~+~  
“Oh NO!” The voice sounds angry and he struggles to sit up, to open his eyes, but everything feels so heavy, so far away and his body just doesn't want to cooperate with him.

“I couldn't resist! Look at him! Like a black-wrapped candy! Soft and delicious...” another voice says.

“He is a child. Ryan!” the first voice says.

“Don't sound so disapproving, he is not dead, for god's sake!” Ryan answers, he sounds a bit annoyed.

“Will he make it?” the other voice asks, it sounds hopeful. Gerard begins to understand that they are talking about him, but he can't remember what happened. He needs to get up and get a doctor so Mikey will be alright again.

“Ahem...” Ryan says.

“Ryan!” A third voice says, it sounds pissed off and stern.

“He killed a child, Spencer!” The second voice says. He sounds like he is going to cry. Gerard tries to get up again. It just doesn't work, he feels so weak.    

“Ryan!”

“He is not dead, Brendon, and besides, look at him. Cute as a button...” Ryan says again. He leans over Gerard and strokes his face, his fingers feel...not exactly cold, but chilly.

“He is not going to survive...” Brendon says.

“Dispose of him before he dies, I don't want to deal with it,” Spencer says.

“He could, we can't! He is a child... We could, maybe we could keep him?” Brendon sounds hopeful.

“We can't keep a dead body,” Spencer says annoyed.

“NO!” Brendon answers.

“No,” Ryan says as things fall in place. Gerard is still confused and weak.

“We are not letting him die.”  
This time Brendon sounds stern. And then he looks down at Gerard and he looks so pretty and smiles at Gerard and Gerard can't help it. He smiles back “I'm going to make you better...you'll see.”

“Okay...” Gerard manages to whisper.

“Here you need to drink this. It's medicine,” Brendon says. And Gerard trusts him, or maybe he is too weak to fight and it really tastes good...  
   
~+~  
It's dark outside when he wakes up and he has no idea how much time has passed. Someone sits beside his bed, just, it's not _his_ bed.

“Where am I?” he asks. Everything smells sharp and delicious and he is really hungry.

“At our house, you can stay here,” Brendon says, softly. He is stroking a cold hand over Gerard's cheek.

“I need to fetch a doctor for Mikey... I can't stay here.”

“Are you feeling better then?” Brendon asks.

“Yes, hungry though.”

“Of course,” Brendon says and gets up. He comes back a few minutes later with a glass full of something red.

“I'm not supposed to drink wine,” Gerard says a bit confused and his head hurts from all the noise. Where is all the noise coming from anyway?

“Just drink it, you will feel better after,” Brendon says with a smile and Gerard just takes the glass and doesn't argue. It tastes delicious, like nothing he has ever tasted and it makes the hunger go away as well.

“Thank you,” he says giving the glass back.

“You should sleep now,” Brendon answers and Gerard nods.  
   
~+~  
He slips away as soon as Brendon leaves the house with the other two people that are living there. The streets smell sharp and delicious and he is hungry again, but he needs to go back home. Needs to make sure his mom is okay and that a doctor was there to make Mikey better. He finds the house dark and cold.  
It smells all wrong and he can't even put a finger on it. There is ash in the fireplace, but it seems old. He shivers, not from the cold of the small house, but from something else he can't describe properly.

“Here you are,” Brendon says quietly behind him.

“Where is Mikey? And my mom?” He doesn't ask about the baby because it was still inside his mom and he really, really wants a baby sister.

“Mikey is gone and your mom...and your dad they moved away,” Brendon says.

“But?” He can't understand this, he is here and where is Mikey? “Where is Mikey?” he asks.

“He is dead, Gerard, he died...” Brendon answers softly. Gerard shakes his head, denying what Brendon is saying. It can’t be true. It just can’t.

“Why are they gone?” he asks. He is going to cry any second now. He knows it.

“Hey, no... Come here,” Brendon says, Gerard shakes his head violently. He doesn't want comfort. He doesn't deserve comfort. It was his fault Mikey died, he...no. It was Ryan. Ryan kept him away.

“No,” he says, but Brendon is stronger and bigger and he just wraps his arms around Gerard's small body and Gerard can't help it: he cries light pink tears that stain Brendon's white shirt.

“You need to come home with me now. Spencer and Ryan are worried sick already I imagine.”  
Gerard takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to go home to Ryan. Ryan did this. This is Ryan's fault. Besides this is his home. This cold, small, empty house.

“I don't. I want to be with my mom.”

“She is gone. Moved away...” Brendon says and Gerard doesn't know what to answer.  
Later he will, later when he finds out that Ryan gave them money and told them their kid was dead and that they need to think of the future, of the unborn little girl inside his mom. And he will hate Ryan. Hate him with all he has, and it will take him years, decades to forgive Ryan and Spencer and Brendon for not being able to stop Ryan. For giving in. For loving him and letting this happen.  
Brendon picks him up and lets him cry and takes him back home.  
   
~+~  
“I don't even care,” Ryan says pissed off. “You wanted him, you can teach him stuff. I will not baby sit that brat,” he finishes.

“You should be glad! You would have killed him!”

“I don't care about that. And you well fucking know it. They are just food to me,” Ryan answers.

“And still, you turned me,” Brendon says. His voice quiet but firm. Gerard is tired of their arguing, it's not like with his parents, but it's still unsettling.

“Bren...” Ryan says softly, grabbing Brendon's neck gently and making their foreheads touch before he kisses Brendon on the lips. Gerard gasps. He has never seen two men kiss and he doesn't think it's right. Ryan turns to glare at Gerard and Gerard tries to disappear into the big chair he has curled up in. 

“Ryan,” Brendon says, softly. His right hand is curled around Ryan's scarf, tugging gently.

“You better get over it and fast kid,” Ryan says with a mean look, before he turns to kiss Brendon again.  
And that's the day Gerard learns that there are more forms of love than the one his parents share. It's also the day Ryan makes him kill his first victim. And the day he begins to hate Ryan.  
He thinks he would leave if he knew where to go, if he thought he already knew everything that would make him survive on his own. He feels still weak three hours before sunrise.

“It's because you are a child,” Brendon tells him one night. He has lived with them for three months now. He hunts with Brendon or Spencer, but his favourite is Brendon. He is sitting on Brendon's lap, listening to a fairytale. He likes Brendon the best. Brendon always reads him stories before sunrise and doesn't make him kill.  
He learned that Spencer doesn't particularly care either way, he just doesn't want witnesses. So it's okay to hunt with Spencer, besides Spencer buys him nice clothes and a lot of shoes. It's hard to hate someone like Spencer anyway, because when he smiles, the room seems to get brighter.  
   
~+~  
His sixth year in he asks about why he doesn't grow up and Brendon looks lost and sad and Spencer's face closes off and Ryan says: “You will always be like this!” in a voice that bears no argument.

“It's because you made me this...this thing,” Gerard answers sharply.

“A vampire, use the fucking word, it will not bite you. I will. Your head off if you snap at me again like that!” Ryan snaps. And Gerard knows better, but he is angry and he hates Ryan so much at times that it scares him.

“So finish the job!” he yells. Brendon takes a sharp breath, standing up.

“Ryan,” he says, because Ryan looks murderous.

“Don't you think for one second I won't!” he says sharply. His voice cold as ice.

“Oh, I don't doubt it, cos you are a heartless bastard on your best days!” Gerard yells back. He doesn't even see it coming – suddenly he is hitting the opposite wall hard. His head hurts, like everything else as he slides down and lands in a heap on the carpet. He was hit so hard there is blood on the pale beige wallpaper.

“Ryan!” Spencer says sharply and Ryan glares at him and then he just sits down.

“Take him away, out of my fucking sight,” Ryan says and his voice is full of things Gerard can't understand.

“Gerard, honey...come here,” Brendon says. He picks Gerard up carefully and brings him upstairs into his room where he lays Gerard on the bed, sitting down beside him. They can hear arguing, raised voices and Ryan hissing at Spencer from the living room.

“I hate him,” Gerard says quietly, with cold fury. And he knows it's true.

“Gerard...” Brendon sighs, he is stroking Gerard's head with his cold fingers and Gerard leans into the touch. Brendon did never anything to hurt him.

“I don't hate you,” Gerard whispers, because that's the truth as well.

“Maybe you should,” Brendon answers, his fingers stilling, tangled in Gerard's hair.

“I could never hate you,” Gerard says.

“But I wanted this,” Brendon answers. Gerard smiles, he knows that. He remembers.

“But it was him who killed me, who took me away, because I was a black-wrapped candy...”

Brendon gasps. “You remember,” he whispers.

“Yeah, everything. I don't hate you, you made me better. Stronger...” Gerard answers.

“Hush,” Brendon says, kissing Gerard's head. He rips his wrist open and lets Gerard drink. It helps instantly.

“Thank you,” Gerard says tired.

“I love you,” Brendon whispers.

“I love you too,” Gerard says and knows that's the only reason he is still alive.    
   
~+~  
He's sixteen. Sixteen in an eight year old body. He counts the days, the years, earlier he even counted the hours. Nothing is changing. He is still a delicious looking petit four, as Brendon calls him sometimes, as Ryan mocks him sometimes. He wants to rip Ryan's throat out when he does, and he knows Ryan knows he does and that he can't, because he is just not strong enough. Will maybe never be.   
   
~+~  
The first time it does something to him – seeing Ryan biting Spencer's throat – is when he's fourteen. He dismisses it as blood lust. It doesn't stop and one evening when he walks in on Ryan and Brendon he growls low in his throat. He can't help it. He sees Ryan smirk the split second before Spencer shuts the door firmly.  
Something inside him clenches and wants out. Something low in his stomach. Something he can't name, isn't sure how to describe, how to _get._  
   
~+~  
“He loves you!” Ryan says. Gerard is standing just outside the kitchen and he doesn't dare move, because movement would give him away. It's freaky how Ryan always knows he is nearby. And the only reason he can imagine why Ryan doesn't seem to sense him now is maybe because he is too deep into whatever they are discussing now without Gerard. 

“Of course,” Brendon answers calmly.

“No, Brendon, he is in love with you,” Spencer says.

“He is a child,” Brendon replies, denying any implications.

“He is sixteen. Sixteen, Brendon. I see how he looks at you, how he looks at Spencer!” Ryan answers. Gerard can hear him pacing the kitchen. He doesn't even know why they have one. As none of them eats real food. Maybe because it would be suspicious to not have one? “How he looks at me and let me tell you, it's not fucking pretty. This will end badly and soon,” Ryan finishes.

“What are you talking about?” Brendon asks faintly.

“He needs to go,” Ryan answers, his voice hard.

“No fucking way am I sending Gerard away!” Brendon shouts. Gerard hears Spencer take a sharp breath.

“Brendon,” he says.

“No way, Spencer. I don't care, he never liked Ryan. From the beginning he hated you. You _made_ him hate you...” Brendon says to Ryan, his voice a whisper on the last few words.  
And Gerard really doesn't want to hear anymore.  
   
~+~  
He's lying in bed a few hours away from sunset, restless, shifting, thinking about Brendon. Brendon's lips, his hands, his teeth. His hands clenching in the sheets. Something inside him screaming for release. He just doesn't know how.  
He doesn't hear Brendon entering.

“Hey...you not hungry?” he asks softly.

Gerard's eyes snap open. “No, I'm not.”  
Brendon sits down on the bed and looks out of the window. It's still dark outside. He reaches out to stroke Gerard's hair and Gerard, he doesn't even mean to, jerks away.

“Gerard, honey...” Brendon says. He looks lost, Gerard thinks. He turns his head into the pillow so he doesn't need to look at Brendon's sad face.

“I just can't. Not tonight, okay?” Gerard mumbles into his pillow.

“Can I... Is it okay if I kiss you goodnight?” Brendon asks. Gerard nods, not looking at Brendon. Brendon's lips feel cold and dry and he smells faintly like Spencer and blood. “Goodnight, Gerard,” Brendon says.

“Night, Brendon.”   
      
~+~  
He doesn't know why Ryan lets him watch. Because he knows that Ryan knows he is there, standing at the door which isn't closed firmly shut, like it usually is. He hears Brendon moan and takes a sharp breath. His lip is bleeding, because he bit it so hard preventing himself from making any sounds.  
Gerard knows that Brendon is usually too far gone to notice his presence. What with Ryan biting, licking, kissing his skin. Full of blood, he smells delicious. Sharp and, he can't really place the other smell. It makes him heady like blood does sometimes.  
Gerard had a vague idea of what they are doing when they are alone. Usually not even in the house, as Spencer doesn't like doing it with Gerard there, Gerard knows, but he never has seen it. Has never seen Brendon gasp and beg, has never seen Spencer flushed like this, has never seen how Ryan goes down on Brendon, he heard things about this kind of sex, but he had no idea. He takes another breath and tries to make his heart stop beating so loud in his chest. (It still beats, slower, but it beats, he still breathes when there is blood in his veins.) He turns and leans against the wall in the hall. He doesn't think he can just go, doesn't think he wants to, but he knows he can't watch either, just listening to it makes him ache. Makes him want to touch, Brendon and Spencer and grab Ryan's hair and pull, bite, lick and he doesn't know what, how, he just doesn't know, because his body wants something he _can't_ get.      
   
~+~  
It takes him another year before he leaves. It’s the day he learns what Ryan did. That Spencer and Brendon, his Brendon, knew about it and just let it happen. Sent his family away, made them believe he was dead. He doesn't even know where they are now.

“You made them leave me!” he yells and Ryan looks murderous. Like this one day years ago when he hit Gerard for the first time (and the last, Spencer made sure of that) and Spencer steps in front of Gerard. Gerard's hands are clenched into tiny fists. He feels so angry and he thought, he told Brendon he couldn't ever hate him, but in this moment he's really close to hating Brendon.

“You were dead! You are dead!” Ryan answers sharply.

“You took me away from them. For stupid selfish reasons! You took me away and it's your fault Mikey died!” Gerard screams. It's the truth, if Ryan hadn't taken him, then Gerard would have been able to fetch the doctor and maybe Mikey would be still alive and he wouldn't be a monster. Feeding off people. Children.

“Gerard...” Brendon tries.

“And you knew! You knew what he did! All these years you knew and...I trusted you! I loved you!” he yells and what makes him even angrier is that he still loves Brendon and that Brendon will never love him back! Not like he loves Ryan, not like he loves Spencer, not like Gerard wants him to love him! Brendon flinches as if burned and Ryan takes a step towards Gerard.

“Don't you fucking dare!” he hisses. His voice cold as ice. And why? Why couldn't Ryan love him as well?!

“You made me like this! That's what you did!” Gerard answers.

“Gerard,” Spencer says in warning, not looking away from Ryan.

“What? It's true, he made me a monster and he never wanted me here and he never loved me like he loves you and you!” here he turns around to look at Brendon, “You never loved me like you love him!” he finishes. Brendon's eyes are wide and sad and he looks like he is going to burst into tears any second now.

“You little bastard!” Ryan yells, making a sudden move, but Brendon is at Gerard's side in an instant, taking the punch Spencer wasn't fast enough to stop. Ryan looks shocked, as does Spencer. There is blood on Brendon's face from his split lip.

“I hate you!” Gerard spits at Ryan, clinging to Brendon's leg, because he is too small to reach his hips or shoulders. He hears Ryan take a deep breath.

“I want him gone tomorrow or I swear I'm going to kill him,” he says.

“No way!” Brendon whispers harshly. He picks Gerard up and his blood smears, Gerard kisses it away.

“I'm sorry,” he whispers. “I'm sorry,” licking Brendon clean. 

“It's not your fault, honey. I didn't think. I didn't think it would be like this. I didn't think you would grow up so fast,” Brendon says softly, kissing his cheek. Gerard wants to kiss his lips, wants all these things Brendon does with Ryan and Spencer.

“I wish I didn't,” Gerard says and Brendon does break into tears. They fall pale pink on his light blue shirt; staining it.

“I'm sorry,” Brendon says and Gerard kisses his lips. Just a soft press of his lips to Brendon's, that tastes like blood and salty tears.

“I want him gone,” Ryan repeats, but the fight is drained from him as he falls heavily onto the couch.

“Ryan,” Spencer says sharply.

“I mean it,” Ryan answers, closing his eyes. “He needs to go, not only for my sake, but for his and Brendon's as well,” he adds.

“No,” Brendon says, clinging to Gerard.

“I've seen how you look at him. You want to love him like he wants you to. I know you. It will break you,” Ryan says. Brendon bites his lower lip until it bleeds again.

“I'm sorry,” Gerard says, kissing the blood away. Spencer looks away from them and Gerard knows it's because he wants that too, that he wants Gerard too. “Let me down,” he whispers and Brendon does. “I will go,” he tells Ryan. Ryan just nods.

“Maybe William will take him...for a while,” Spencer says, biting his lip as well, his right hand finding Gerard's shoulder and squeezing it.

“Yeah, I'll write to him immediately,” Ryan answers, getting up and leaving them alone.

“You need to drink,” Spencer says.

“I'm not hungry,” Gerard answers and it's the truth. He is not. He feels drained and weak.

“You need to drink, you need to be strong,” Spencer says, opening his veins for Gerard like he did before. Spencer lets him feed off him once a month, so he grows strong, so he can be on his own, Gerard realizes. Because Spencer knew it would come to this. And he tried to do his best to make Gerard strong, to prepare him for a time when Spencer wouldn't be able to protect him anymore.  
   
~2~                           
William is tall and beautiful and has a nice smile and Gerard thinks he hates him as well. Maybe it's because he doesn't want to allow himself to like anyone anymore. It would be too painful.

“So, which one made you?” William asks as they're getting into William's car.

“Brendon,” Gerard says. He is not going to talk much. It's one of his rules. He will not make William love him, he will not love William back.

“Should have known that...” William answers with a sigh. He starts the car and keeps silent except for singing something under his breath. He has a nice voice, Gerard thinks.  
   
~+~  
William lives in a hotel. Which is surprising to Gerard.

“Well, I don't like staying in one place too long,” William says upon entering.

“Oh...”

“Yeah, we will go to Sweden for a while, I need a change of air. And you need it too,” William answers. Sweden, Gerard thinks, is really far away from here. “Besides Travis hates it here anyway,” William adds.

“Damn right!” a voice says from the bedroom. Gerard doesn't jump but it's a close thing. “All this crap about skin colour, damn I hate this country a fucking lot,” Travis says, as he enters the living room. He is black and Gerard never saw a black man clothed like this and being well...

“He's not a servant,” Gerard says and Travis laughs out loud.

“He is cute as a button,” Travis says.

“Don't say that!” Gerard yells, suddenly angry. Travis looks at him.

“You need to get out of this fucking country as well.” He nods his head for emphasis. He takes out a cigarette, lights it and passes it over to William.

“Thanks,” William says.

“So, which one made him?”

“Brendon,” William answers, taking a deep drag.

“Should have known. Fuck,” Travis says with emphasis, he rubs his face with his free hand and takes another drag of his cigarette. Gerard sits down on one of the two couches.

“It's not normal to do that, right? To turn someone so small?” he asks.

“No, it's not. Even if you are strong for such a young one. Your body...”

“I can never grow up, I know...” Gerard says. Travis and William share a look, but Gerard is suddenly too tired to ask about it.

“Come on, you need to feed,” William says, opening the window and throwing the butt outside.

“Okay,” he answers, Travis picks him up and he snuggles into his chest. He needs to be close to someone and Travis seems like a good guy and he is so different from them. Like William is.  
   
~+~  
He learns that William is a snob when it comes to his food. He likes to hunt in company and he likes to play with his food, but he is not cruel about it. He seduces his victims and more often than not doesn't even kill them. Travis doesn't seem to care at all. But not one of them kills children. In fact Travis tries to stick to bad people. Murderers, child molesters, smugglers. It doesn't work always, but most of the time he is right.  
Travis lets him feed off his victims and William from his veins and he feels like a spoiled child.  
   
~+~  
William meets Maja three months into their stay in Sweden. Gerard thinks she looks like an icequeen and she finds it funny. Her voice sounds like tiny bells when she laughs.

“He is really cute,” she says to William and William nods.

“He is also smart and an artist!” Travis throws in. He is lounging on the couch, smoking a cigarette and staring into his coffee, he doesn't drink it, but he likes how it smells and the warmth. Winter in Sweden is really fucking cold, even for vampires. Gerard thinks he feels it more than they do because he is still so fucking young, not even twenty years old yet.

“So, you paint little one?” she asks, her fingers stroking soft over his skin, he nods. “What do you paint?”

“A bit of everything, I guess,” he answers shrugging.

“I bet.” She sits down on the couch. William is standing at the window looking into the dark winter night. There are snowflakes spinning around in the wind.  
She stays with them for four months and Gerard paints her several times in pale blue and shades of silver.  
He cries when they part and she tells him he could stay and part of him wants to. But he doesn't think he can leave William and Travis who are like his parents now. He doesn't want to be an orphan. She kisses him goodbye and he thinks he will remember her scent – like snow and fresh blood and wood – for the rest of his life.  
   
~+~  
They meet Greta by chance. She is running away from someone and Travis just breaks that someone's neck. Snaps it in two.  
“Oops”? he says, letting the body fall to the ground. She doesn't scream. She nods her thanks and leans against a wall. It's late autumn in Germany and Gerard wanted to go out and see The Berlin Wall.

“Thanks,” she says. Travis smiles at her; his fangs carefully hidden. Her English is really good and she doesn't seem freaked out. “So, where are you from?” she asks, as she is able to breathe again.

“America, the great land of...everything I guess.”

“This your way of protesting Vietnam?” she asks. It's not, Gerard knows, this is Travis’ way of protesting everything that is wrong with the country he was born in, but he nods, because it's not a lie either.

“I'm Travis,” he says.

“Greta,” she answers with a smile. “And you?” she asks Gerard.

“Gerard,” he answers. He wants to paint her. She is just so beautiful. Not like Maja, who looks like an icequeen forever young and cold, but like a sunny afternoon.

“Wanna come back to our hotel?” Travis asks and Gerard gives him a look. He likes her, he doesn't want her eaten! She laughs.

“Sure,” she answers.  
   
~+~  
She puts flowers into her hair and doesn't mind that they never seem to eat and that they're living in an expensive hotel, she stays. And Gerard paints her.

“You are really a talented little guy, aren't you?” she asks one evening, she smells like hay and wild flowers.

“Guess so,” he answers shrugging.

“So...William and Travis, are they...together?” she asks with a small move of her hand.

“Don't think so, they aren't sleeping together,” Gerard answers, because he really doesn't think it's like with Brendon and Ryan and Spencer with them. They are just friends.

“They seem close. You seem close.”

“We are,” William says from behind her and she jumps a bit.

“You need to stop doing that, I'll die of a heart attack one of these days if you keep it up.” She laughs as she says it, so Gerard doesn't worry.

“I'll try,” he says, lighting a cigarette. 

“Hey...can I ask you something?” she says.

“Sure.”

“You are not human, are you?” she asks. Gerard shots William a look, but William just smiles. He looks beautiful when he does and young. Really young.

“No, we're not,” he answers. She nods.

“Thought so,” she says and that's all.  
They leave Germany in the middle of the 80's. Heading for Great Britain. Gerard leaves her a family portrait. Him, William, Travis and Greta. Because she became part of their family even if she never got turned. It's not that William didn't ask her, she just refused with a soft laugh, kissing his cheek. Neither of them drank from her. Because a vampire or not, she was theirs.  
William promises to write, and Gerard knows him, knows he will until his letters will be sent back to him.  
   
~+~  
On the second night William runs into Gabe and Vicky. He brings them back to the hotel and Travis laughs out loud as he sees them and William's flushed cheeks. They are both really young and maybe runaway kids. Not older than fourteen. Gerard doesn't understand at first. Some things are still unclear to him as he is forced to behave like a child. Sometimes it's easier to be a child. Sometimes he feels himself slip.

“Oh my god! He is so adorable!” Vicky says and picks him up before he can even blink. “Is he yours?” she asks William.

“He is ours,” Travis throws in.

“Really? He doesn't look like you at all...” she answers. Travis laughs.

“But like him?” he asks.

“Well, he is pale like Bill,” she answers, shrugging. Gerard loves how she smells and her hair and how her blue dress clings to her soft curves.  
He loves Gabe's loud laugh and stupid colourful clothes and tight jeans and big glasses. He paints them in bright colours and even sometimes uses glitter.          
Time is slipping through his fingers and Britain is great and loud and wonderful. Gabe thinks so as well. Vicky works part time at a club and lets William feed off her sometimes. Gerard can smell her on William. Her blood and her sweat and other things he has words for now, but doesn't like to think about. With Vicky and Gabe things are shifting, changing. They form a new kind of family. Not like with Greta, like with those intense months with Maja where everything seemed a good idea. This is different and dangerous, because Gabe is reckless and Vicky wicked. It doesn't matter in the long run, he loves them and he knows William and Travis do as well. It's just a matter of time before they ask and Gerard knows they will say yes.  
He begins to miss his home, America, in the early 90's. He feels restless and like they should move.

“I want to go home,” he says one Wednesday evening. William is lying curled up around Gabe, Vicky stroking his hair. Travis doesn't look up from the book he is reading, but Gerard knows he is paying attention.

“Great Britain too small for you?” William asks.

“No, I just want to go home...I want to,” he sighs and looks up from the drawing he was working on, one of Vicky. 

“We don't know where they are,” Travis says carefully. Gerard swallows. He was thinking about Brendon in the last few months more, but that is not the only reason he wants to go home.

“It's not that, I want to find my family,” Gerard answers. William sits up and Gabe makes a displeased noise low in his throat. Vicky smiles and begins to pet his hair.

“Your human family? You have a human family?” William asks.

“Yes, Ryan made them go away, but I know I have a sister, at least I have a sister,” Gerard answers, and Ryan's name still tastes bitter on his tongue. William opens his arms and he gets up and crawls into his lap and lets William pet his hair and kiss his face and listens to William's slow heartbeat, because he hasn’t fed for a few days.  
They leave for Chicago a month later and they're taking Gabe and Vicky with them.  
   
~3~  
Chicago is everything he remembers and completely different. He was away nearly 50 years; of course it was bound to change.  
Travis makes William rent an apartment in the city. Gerard knows he had help from Vicky and Gabe, who might be a bit sick of hotels. Or maybe Travis just wants a place of his own for a while. Gerard isn't sure, but he is glad. He likes the new place and he likes that they are using the kitchen as well, it makes life more normal. Except for Greta, they never lived with humans before. Well, Gerard didn't.  
   
~+~  
Vicky is making some kind of red soup and Gabe...well, Gabe is smoking up in the entrance to the kitchen. He smokes more these days, Gerard can sense a kind of restlessness from him, he can't put a finger on, but it seems familiar. Gerard pushes him aside and he looks down.

“You are a really strong little vampire, aren't you, honey?” Gabe asks. Gerard used to flinch whenever someone called him 'honey' before, but he got used to it in the few years Gabe and Vicky are staying with them.

“All vampires are strong,” he answers shrugging. “What are you making?” he asks Vicky. She turns, picks him up and sets him on the counter.

“Tomato paprika soup with chilli.”     

“Sounds spicy,” Gabe says, he exhales smoke, leaning on the wall, looking at them.

“It sure as hell is,” she answers. Gerard likes when she cooks dinner. It always smells nice. “Will you set the table for me, honey?” she asks, adding a bit more pepper to the soup. A strand of her long hair is falling into her eyes as she does and he brushes it away. She smiles.

“Of course,” he says, hopping down and taking out bowls and spoons. They usually sit together at the table and he looks at the clock, counting the seconds. William bursts through the door just as he sets the last spoon onto the table.  

“You're late,” Gabe drawls. He got tall over the last few years. He and Vicky are not kids anymore. They are not the strays William took in one night.

“Where's Travis?”

“In his room, he came back earlier than you,” Vicky answers, setting the pot on the table.

“Damn, but I'm on time,” William answers, sitting down.

“You have blood on your chin,” Vicky says. Gabe reaches over and wipes it away: it smudges. William takes a sharp breath. Gerard shakes his head.

“Let me,” he says, leaning forward and licking it away, there is another sharp intake of breath. He thinks it might be Vicky.

“Thanks,” William answers. Gerard shrugs.

“She tastes delicious,” Gerard says, sitting down on his chair.

“She was,” William answers.

“Eat your soup children,” Travis says as he enters the kitchen. Vicky puts a mug of coffee in front of him and he nods his thanks. He doesn't drink it, but he inhales the smell and warms his fingers on the mug. They chatter while they eat. It's like having a family again. Gerard likes it.  
   
~+~  
“So, there is this family by the name Way,” Gabe says, Gerard sits up in his bed.

“You found them?”

“Not sure, the records say something about a Helena Way, she lives with her daughter.” Gabe shrugs giving Gerard the piece of paper with the address. Gabe is a bit like William: He likes to write things down.

“Thanks,” Gerard says. Gabe nods.

“No problem. Family is important,” he says.  
Yeah, Gerard thinks that as well. He misses Mikey in an abstract way, he knew him too short a time to really miss him, but he misses the idea of having someone like Mikey. Someone who is like him. Despite all this he would never ask William or Travis for a brother or a sister. It wouldn't be fair. When he's doomed, he should be doomed alone.  
Gabe sits down on the bed. It's unexpected. Gerard raises one eyebrow, he knows he learned it from Spencer, but he doesn't seem to let go of his past. He had...Not everything was bad. He misses Brendon sometimes. He misses how Brendon used to read fairy-tales to him. William never did, and Travis only reads poems, which are nice too, but not the same.  
“Listen,” Gabe begins, he grabs Gerard's shoulder and makes him lean against Gabe, slings an arm around him and strokes his hair while he speaks. “She is your sister, but she is old and she has a daughter and her daughter is pregnant...you will not do anything stupid?” Gabe asks. Gerard swallows. He didn't think he was so obvious.

“I...” he tries, but he won’t say 'I won’t' because he can’t make any promises.

“I know we are not blood related, I mean, not even you and Travis and William are, but we are your family. We...you took us in, Vicky and me and we love you,” Gabe finishes and it's rare that Gabe speaks like this, that he actually words his feelings so openly, honesty without any mockery.  
Gerard buries his head in Gabe's stupid pink shirt.

“I know, I love you too,” Gerard answers and it's the truth. He didn't want to, but it's hard not to love William, or Travis or Gabe and Vicky.  
Gabe nods, Gerard can feel it, even if he can't see it. They stay like this: Gabe stroking his hair and Gerard listening to Gabe's heartbeat. Calming him down.  
   
~+~  
He meets Helena one evening in the park. It's not by chance, he knew she would be there, as she always goes for a walk on Wednesday evenings. He sits down on the bench beside her and just watches her from the corner of his eye.  
He meets her the week after as well, and the week after that and then she doesn't come for two weeks and he is crushed even if he never talks to her. She is back the third week.

“You look like someone I would have liked to know,” she says that time, not looking at him. She is staring up at the sky.    

“You weren't here last week,” he answers softly.

“My daughter has a child now. His name is Mikey,” she answers and turns to smile down at him.

“Mikey...” Gerard whispers. She smiles.

“After one of my brothers...he died when he was really young and I wasn't even born. I miss them both, stupid, hmm?” She says.

“No,” Gerard answers. It's really not, he misses Mikey as well and he misses Helena and not growing up with her.  
   
~+~  
“You are stalking your sister,” William says one morning, there is blood on his shirt. He's lying on the couch, smoking a cigarette, exhaling smoke slowly. He looks really fucking pretty and Gerard's fingers ache for a pen. He shrugs. William sighs. “This is dangerous, she could recognise you,” he says.

“She wasn't even born at the time I became this,” Gerard says. William raises an eyebrow, because Gerard rarely uses this term when it comes to himself these days. He uses the word 'vampire' like everyone in the family does.  

“Your parents loved you, they told her about you and Mikey, they sure as hell kept all the photographs as well,” William answers.

“You're telling me to stop seeing her?” Gerard asks.

“Yes, that's what I'm doing. I like it here, Chicago is great at this time of year or century, whatever. I like the house; I would like to stay a bit longer.”  
Gerard nods, he knows William, under all these pretty words there is a warning he can't ignore. William will make them leave if it should be necessary, but he will not be pleased about it. And Gerard actually doesn't want to be on William’s bad side. Travis told him all about Tom and ...well, besides Gerard loves William and he knows William loves him back.  
“You didn't eat,” William says softly, reaching out for Gerard and Gerard takes it, curling up to William. Listening to the too slow beat of his heart. “Wanna eat something?” William asks. Gerard shakes his head. He doesn't feel hungry. “Okay, but you're going to hunt with Travis tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Gerard says into William's light green shirt. It smells like spring rain and blood.  
   
~+~  
He doesn't talk to her anymore, doesn't meet her anymore, but he can't seem to leave her alone. So he sometimes goes by her house. Looks through the windows. Watches. Watches her with Donna and little Mikey on her knees. He hears her sometimes too, when the window is open, she tells the baby stories. About when she was a little girl and about her brothers who are angels now. And Gerard swears to himself to never let her know that he is as far from an angel as you can get. She reads poems to Mikey as well and shows him pictures. Things Gerard had long forgotten. It makes him sad and he doesn't like to feel like he doesn't belong. And _this makes_ him feel like he doesn't belong.  
Gabe looks up from his place in Travis' lap when Gerard enters the living room and William silently makes room for him on the couch.

“Where's Vicky?” he asks, sitting down, letting William pull him into his lap and wrap his impossibly long arms around him.

“Working late,” Gabe says.

“You gonna pick her up later?”

“Travis will,” Gabe answers, Gerard nods.

“So, what is wrong with you, honey?” William asks into his neck.

“Helena knows...” Gerard says. Gabe looks up again, Travis places his hand over Gabe's chest and he lays down. Closing his eyes; letting Travis pet his hair.

“She's old,” Travis says and it's not meant for Gerard, it's aimed at William. William nods, Gerard can fell the soft brush of his hair against his neck. It makes him shiver. Makes him want.

“It's okay,” William says, his lips brushing Gerard's skin softly. Gerard isn't sure he means the whole Helena-thing or something else, but he nods nevertheless.  
   
~+~  
Gabe starts a band sometime in the nineties. William blames it on Kurt Cobain, Travis laughs and gives Gabe his first guitar. Just brings it home one Monday evening. Gabe kinda kisses him full on the lips. William makes a face, but Gerard knows he isn't annoyed, just playing the bitch.

“I've got something for you too, pretty princess,” Travis says, as Gabe lets go of him to sit down on the soft carpet William insisted they buy (it doesn't match anything except William's teacups in the flat) to play a song. William raises one eyebrow.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Travis says, taking out a small box and handing it over. William takes it, opens it and laughs out loud. Travis grins. Gerard looks over Gabe's shoulder into the box.

“Cuff links?” he asks.

“Yeah,” William says, he is smiling. It's his true smile, that one that he only smiles when he is really happy or touched.

“It's something from your past, right?” Gerard asks.

“Yes, it is,” William says and to Travis: “Thank you.”

Travis shrugs. “They clearly had your name on them.” 

“I see, Vicky and I are totally the stepchildren...” Gerard says a bit sulky.

“No, just you, I got Vicky a bracelet!” Travis says, taking another box out of his jacket. Gerard sits down on the couch and snuggles into William's bony side.

“Don't be mean,” William says, but his eyes are still dancing.

“Okay, kid. Here,” Travis says, taking out an envelope. Gerard gives Travis a look, but takes it anyway.  
He can't breath for a few seconds, William kisses his temple and Gerard takes a deep breath. It's an old faded photograph of him and Mikey.

“Thank you,” he whispers. Travis bends down and kisses the top of Gerard's head.

“You're very welcome,” he says.  
   
~+~  
When Mikey is three he sees Gerard outside his window and waves and Gerard waves back, but doesn't try to talk to him.  
Gerard leaves when Mikey is six. He leaves without saying goodbye in person, just leaves a letter. He was thinking about it, thinking about leaving, because he recognised the kind of feelings he had for Brendon once. He didn't mean to fall in love, it just happened.  
The only thing he knows as he leaves is that he will never be friends with adults again. It just intensifies the pain, and that he will write William letters, so they know he's okay.~4~  
The day Gerard meets Frank it snows and he just sent a letter to William, he's painfully aware that he is gone almost two years, and he feels really lonely. And as there is no one to remind him of his real age he feels himself slipping. He acts less and less like the adult he is and more like the child he was and his body still makes him to be. Sometimes he thinks it's a minor kind of insanity, but on the whole it doesn't bother him.  
He was sitting on the bench for nearly an hour now waiting for someone who thinks he would be an easy target. He isn't really that hungry, but he didn't eat for two days now. He looks up between his hair, as the can hits him.  
“Hey,” he says and the boy comes closer and maybe because he is lonely, and that boy seems to be as well, Gerard doesn't feed from him.  
   
~+~  
They become friends along the way. Gerard didn't think Frank would come back or invite him home or any of these things. He writes to William about Frank. Writes about Frank's laugh and his anger and his mom (he doesn't write about how he misses his mom, or more than her William and Travis, Gabe, Vicky. His family. How he sometimes still misses Brendon and his voice). He writes about playing video games and snuggling and feeling awkward and out of place sometimes. He doesn't write about how easy it is to be a child again, to be eight, like Frank is. He writes about Frank giving him shoes, like Spencer did and how he likes to pet Frank's hair and how easy it is to like Frank.      
   
~+~  
Frank never asks where Gerard is living and Gerard is glad, because he is not living anywhere really. It's more like breaking and entering different houses when their owners aren't home, on vacation, visiting relatives or if they died recently. He likes the last ones the best, because he can usually stay the longest there and he doesn't care for water or heat. He doesn't feel the cold like humans do, besides since he knows Frank he stays at Frank's house more anyway. So he can take baths and it is nice. Being in the tub with Frank, listening to him talk and complain.

“And I had this really weird dream a few nights ago,” Frank says, his cheeks going a bit pink. Gerard splashes water on him and Frank smiles.

“About what?” he asks.

“You will totally laugh...” Frank says, looking away from Gerard's face.

“I will not, I have bad dreams as well,” he answers.

“Hmmm...”

“Frank?”

“Yeah?” Frank still doesn't look at him, stares at the tiles behind Gerard.

“You can tell me, I'm not going to laugh,” Gerard says sincerely.

“Okay,” Frank takes a deep breath and looks down at his hands in the water, barley able to see them between the bubbles, Gerard knows, as he can't see them either. “Okay, so I dreamed I was killed by a herd of zombie ducks,” he says softly, biting his lip.    
Gerard reaches out and clasps his hand with his own. Holding on. Frank laughs nervously without humour.

“I don't think it's stupid...” Gerard says. Frank still doesn't look up from his lap and their hands there.

“It actually is, but I really can't help it,” Frank says.

“It's not,” Gerard says firmly and Frank nods.  
   
~+~  
Gerard draws Frank zombie-ducks. They look cute and not scary and he hopes that it will make Frank feel better to see them like this in the real world. 

“You're kind of amazing!” Frank says as he hands the picture over.

“No, I just....” Gerard mumbles, it's no big deal after all.

“Yes, yes, you are!” Frank says and hugs him. Gerard leans into it. He misses being touched. He likes to be touched.  
   
~+~  
For a few years things are really good. And then one evening they are watching Dracula and Frank stops eating candy and looks over at Gerard and Gerard presses himself into the far corner of the couch as he realises that Frank knows. Knows what he is. Knows that he kills people for blood (Not that he is doing it now, but he did, he _did_ and Frank _knows_ ).

“So...” Gerard begins and Frank waits, but Gerard just makes a helpless gesture with his hand and then hides behind his dark hair. He doesn't know what to say, he just doesn't know.

“You’re a vampire?” Frank asks. 

“Yeah...I can understand if you don't want to be friends anymore...” Gerard answers, trying to disappear into the corner of the couch. 

“NO!” Frank almost shouts. Gerard looks up from his lap and at Frank, who really looks a bit miserable as well.

“No?” he asks.

“No,” Frank answers, inching closer to Gerard. Gerard still doesn't move, he's afraid. Frank reaches out carefully as if Gerard were a scared kitten and touches his arm and then his shoulder and inches closer all the time and then he just snuggles into Gerard and Gerard lets out a huge sigh of relief. He is so god-damned thankful for this.  
“We need a special rig now so you can stay over the day,” Frank says and Gerard nods.  
“We can make it together and you can paint were-unicorns on it or something...” Frank babbles on.

“I would like that,” Gerard says and he's playing with Frank's hair again. He likes to play with Frank's hair. It's soft and smells good. They watch the end of Dracula and then Gerard goes home and he smiles the whole way back there.  
   
~+~  
When Frank comes to the park all bloody Gerard wants to tear something apart. He hasn’t been that angry since Ryan. And Frank is hurt and he wants to be with Gerard and Gerard can't because he wants to lick Frank's blood from his face and he isn't sure he could just stop there. So he flees and he beats up that Bert kid and knows it's not okay to do that, but still. It feels pretty okay.   
   
~+~  
Frank gets older and he begins to lie to his friends and his mom and Gerard only is allowed to come over when his mom works, because how could Frank possibly explain that Gerard is still a kid? He can’t and when he would tell the truth, well, Gerard doesn't think that would be a good idea.  
It's frustrating and he should go now, he knows he stayed too long already. He never intended to stay that long in Jersey. It's not even a good city, well maybe for vampires, as there is a lot of crime, but it's not that pretty, it's not safe. He should have moved on. He should never have become friends with Frank in the first place. But it's too late for that now.  
Things are becoming weird between them and he knows it's his fault. He's seen the looks, he's seen them on Brendon and Spencer and on William and Gabe, he knows that Frank wants something from him, knows it and knows that Frank will not act on these feelings because Gerard looks so young and it would be wrong.  
Knows it because everyone who ever fell in love with him had the same problem. His body, he hates his body so much. It always complicates things, it always makes him go away, makes him leave the people he loves so they will not hate themselves and maybe him as well. He hates Ryan in moments like these the most. When he realises that things are changing, that he will need to leave soon.  
The night Frank sends him away is one of the worst of his long life. He knows then that he doesn't have much time left. He heard Frank through the walls, when Frank was in the shower, knows that Frank is thinking of him when he is touching himself. He knows, he wants Frank to touch him like that. Wants to feel what Frank is feeling when he does, but his body doesn't...it's just not made for that kind of pleasure.  
   
~+~  
He meets Maja by chance. He just follows the scent of blood and winter and ice into a small alley. Sees her feed, waits for her to finish. She turns around and smiles at him.

“Hi, little one,” she says softly, the body slipping from her fingers to the ground. He doesn't look away from it for a few seconds.

“Hi,” he answers, softly.

“Wanna come home with me? I have coffee,” she asks and he nods. She reaches for his hand and he lets her take it. Her fingers feel warm and soft.

“You smell good,” he says without thinking,

“Thank you,”  
He tells her everything that bothers him and she looks sad and then determined.

“You could, get...another body.”

He looks sharply at her. “What?”

“It can be done, it's difficult and it's not pretty and it will take time and I don't even know how exactly it is done, but I heard that it can be done, you see, we can change, if we want, but most of us don't want to and besides it's dangerous...” she finishes.

“I can't stay like this,” Gerard answers.

“There’s this vampire sorceress...okay, she is a witch, okay?” Maja says and Gerard nods, he is not surprised.

“I want to meet her,” Gerard says.

“I... Look, she will make you pay and she will test you and...”

He cuts her off. “I'll do anything.” And he knows it's true.

She nods. “Okay, I can take you back to the old world, I'm leaving in two weeks,” she says. And that really isn't much time, but he can't stay much longer anyway. So he nods.

“I'll be here,” he says.  
She smiles and reaches over to squeeze his hand.  
   
~+~  
“This is the longest I've stayed anywhere...” Gerard says a few days later; they are sitting on the couch, watching a movie. And he feels bad for lying but he needs to go away and this is maybe the best way of letting Frank down gently. Besides, before he met Frank he really didn't stay in one place for long, not since he left William and Gabe. 

Frank sets his glass down and turns to look at Gerard. “What are you trying to say?”

“I usually don't make friends?”Gerard says with a small smile. He hopes it looks okay, because he doesn't feel okay. Not at all. It's always hard to leave people he loves. 

“Are you... leaving?” Frank asks. He looks a bit shocked, Gerard thinks.

“For a little while...just to figure things out,” Gerard says. He is playing with the hem of his t-shirt, well one of Frank's old ones, anyway. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to leave, but he needs to. 

“What things?”

“Frank...”

“Do you want to go back to your people...I mean...like are there other vampires?”

Gerard nods. “Yeah, there are other vampires.” He didn't tell Frank much about his life, undead, unlife, whatever, before, he didn't tell him anything in fact and now he's glad he didn't.

“And you are going back?”

“Yes,” Gerard lies, because he is not going back to his family, he is just going away.

“It is not because of me, is it? I mean...because I was an ass the last time. I really don't mean to...It's just...”

“Frank. I have to go, okay? I never...this wasn't supposed to happen,” Gerard says and it's the absolute truth.

“What? Us?” Frank asks, he looks pissed off, Gerard thinks.

“Yes, us...I was just in the park that time because...well...” he spreads his hands helplessly, he doesn't think he can actually say the words.

“To what, feed?” Frank asks in disbelief. He looks shocked, as if that thought never crossed his mind.

“Yes,” Gerard answers, because it's the truth.

“God...”

“I'm sorry...”

“No...I just...no.” Frank says, reaching for Gerard to snuggle up, “No, it's okay.”

“It's not,” Gerard mumbles into Frank's shirt. Because it really feels like it shouldn't be okay. Not at all.

“You'll come back, right?” Frank asks after a while.

“Yeah,” he says and thinks that he will only when he's found a cure to this...this situation. To this body thing. To his life. 

“Soon.” And it's not a question. Gerard almost smiles at Frank's stubbornness.

“As soon as I can,” Gerard answers softly, reaching up to pet the soft hair at Frank's neck. Frank sighs, and Gerard knows it's not the answer he wanted to hear.

“I'll wait here.”

“Okay,” Gerard says and believes Frank.

“Okay.”   
   
~+~  
Gerard leaves at the beginning of April, he doesn't tell Frank that it's his birthday.  
   
~5~  
The first thing he hears from the small, blond guy with the hat is: “She's dead.” And then he sees the door slam shut. He blinks. Right, he thinks and knocks again.  
“Kid, she is dead, I really don't know...” he begins and Gerard pushes him aside. Not too hard. Just so he can make his point. “You're not an ordinary kid, fuck!” the guy says and the next thing Gerard knows, a knife is pointed at him. He sighs.

“I'm not going to kill you, I can't even come in,” he says. He steps a few steps away, to give the small guy with the knife some room.

“Patrick, what the fuck are you doing? What takes you so god-damned long?!” a voice says and then Gerard hears footsteps. Gerard looks up. The other guy is a vampire.

“There is a child on our doorstep, a vampire child,” Patrick says matter of factly. “And he is looking for Andra,” he finishes.

“She's dead,” the other guy says.

“I told him,” Patrick answers. The other guy is still looking at Gerard. It looks a lot like curiosity.  
“No,” Patrick says and Gerard really doesn't know what this is about.

“Come in kid,” the other dude says. Patrick stares him angrily down. Gerard nods a thank you.

“For fuck's sake! Pete!” Patrick says.

“He's not here to kill us,” Pete says, rolling his eyes. Gerard would smile, but he feels tired and hungry and it's only a few hours until dawn.

“Thank you,” he says, as he sits down on the worn couch.

“Wanna eat something?” Pete asks.

“I...” he starts, Pete interrupts him.

“I'm not going to poison you,” he says, throwing a blood bag at Gerard. Gerard catches it effortlessly.

“I know, I just...” He doesn't know what to say. He has been gone from Frank almost two years now. And he didn't find her and now all his hope is gone, because she is dead. He will never be able to go back to Frank. He will never be loved by anyone like he wants to. He spent years looking for her. Followed every whisper of her name. Didn't care about all the warnings people threw at him. He made people talk and he doesn't even want to think about it. He...has nothing left.

“What did you even want from her? She was evil.” Pete sits down in a chair opposite the couch and looks at Gerard.

“I wanted a deal...I wanted to grow up. I want to be...” he sighs. He tears into the bag and drinks. It tastes a bit stale, but it's okay. Even if it's cold.

“Sorry, forgot to heat it up. Patrick usually thinks about stuff like that,” Pete says. Gerard nods, he is glad they let him in anyway. He doesn't know what he can do now. Hopelessness overwhelms him. The light, the answer to his life died with the words 'she's dead'.

“It's okay,” he answers, because it really is. It's food.

“You can sleep here, you know. It's just a few hours till dawn.”

“Thank you,” he says again. He rolls up on the couch. He feels really tired and dying is more of a definite than a mere option. He’s lost too much, more than anyone should bear. Living or undead. He wishes Brendon had let him die all these years ago.

“It's no problem,” Pete answers. He spreads a blanket over Gerard that smells like cotton candy and Gerard smiles before he closes his eyes and lets sleep claim him.  
   
~+~  
“Maybe you can help him, Patrick! He seems like a good kid and she thought you could do that...I mean...”

“No, I can't. I just...” Patrick stops and Gerard hears him take a deep breath. He lies very still on the couch. He doesn't want Pete to know that he is awake just yet. He is sure Pete will sense it in the next few seconds anyway, but maybe... He doesn't know what abilities Pete has.

“It's okay,” Pete answers. Gerard can hear the whisper of clothes and thinks, oh.  
“So, you're awake, kid?” He says as he enters the small living room. The blinds are closed, but Gerard can see him anyway. He's alone.

“My name is Gerard,” Gerard answers. Pete nods, sitting down next to him. Gerard makes room for him, without thinking about it much.

“So, you alone?” Pete asks.

“Yeah, I am.” He isn't going to lie now. Wouldn't do him any good anyway. Pete raises an eyebrow. Gerard sighs and then he tells Pete about Frank. Pete sighs when he finishes.

“Kid,” he says with emphasis. Gerard nods. He supposes that this is a very sad tale.

“And now that she is dead, I mean. I have no hope of changing, of growing up, of being with Frank. I...you know, sometimes I wish I were dead. Like, if...if they let me die I wouldn't be feeling this.” He snuggles into the far end of the couch. He thinks that Pete wants to stroke his hair or something ridiculous like that, but he can't get close to an adult anymore and besides Pete has Patrick and Patrick doesn't like Gerard being here. “You can tell Patrick that I will be gone by tomorrow. There is nothing here for me anyway,” he says and doesn't say that there is nothing for him anywhere anymore.                  
   
~+~  
Pete makes him stay and because he doesn't know where else he should go he does. Pete doesn't drink blood Gerard discovers, not a lot of it anyway. He drinks something that Patrick makes for him. Gerard tried it once but he couldn't make it stay in his system. And Pete didn't make him try it out again.    
So he hunts alone, spends nights with Pete and Patrick on the couch and sometimes he talks with Pete about life, or unlife as it is and maybe should be. Sometimes he paints. He paints Pete in shades of green, and purple when he paints him with Patrick.

“What's with the zombie-ducks?” Patrick asks one evening. Gerard is drawing a card for Frank, because his birthday is in a few days.

“Frank was afraid of them when he was a child. I drew them for him and now... I just want him to be happy, but I don't want him to forget me. I know it's selfish, but I'm not giving up, there must be something that can be done,” Gerard answers, not looking up from the paper. It's rare that Patrick talks to him, he isn't hostile, just reserved. And it's not like they know each other that well. He is staying at their place just a bit over a month.

“That's sweet,” Patrick says, sitting down on the floor beside him. Gerard isn't sure what it is about Patrick that makes his skin tingle and the back of his neck prickle, but it's something. And it's not that Patrick is human, because he lived with humans before. Something about Patrick is just off.

“I guess,” Gerard answers, shrugging. He adds a bit of pale blue icing to the cake as he does it.

“Gerard...” Patrick begins and stops as if he doesn't know how to continue.

“If you want me to go, you just need to tell me,” Gerard says. He waited for this anyway.

“It's not that, I like you being here,” Patrick says hastily.

“Okay.”

“Tell me about how you were turned,” Patrick says and winces. Gerard suspects that it's not good vampire etiquette to ask such questions. He never asked Brendon, but he knew who turned Brendon, he didn't need to ask. He suspects the same goes for Spencer. He never asked William or Travis either, he never thought about asking Maja.

“I was eight and my mom sent me to fetch the doctor because my brother was ill. I ran into someone and that someone was a vampire and he bled me dry and Mikey died because of all this and I became...what I am now. Just because Brendon couldn't let me die,” Gerard closes his eyes, it hurts to talk about it. It hurts to talk about Mikey and Brendon. Even after all this time. 

“That vampire that turned you...what was his name?”

“Brendon, but Ryan killed me,” Gerard clarifies. He knows that's unusual to turn someone so small, so defenceless, but he also knows that Brendon had good intentions. 

“Oh,” Patrick says, reaching out to stroke Gerard's hair and what he doesn't allow Pete to do, he allows Patrick.     
   
~+~  
“It was Ryan,” Patrick says; his voice sounds hard. Gerard really doesn't want to hear it, but it's not so easy to turn off the super hearing that manifested in the last few years. So he lies still on the couch he is still sleeping on, because Patrick and Pete don't have a guest room.

“Should have known that,” Pete is pacing the kitchen. Gerard likes that Patrick eats, it makes the whole house more lived in when someone is cooking dinner. Or maybe that's just Gerard. He knows it's Pete because Patrick usually doesn't pace. He just sits and thinks. Gerard can picture him perfectly right now at the kitchen table.

“He is stuck...” Patrick says. Pete stops his pacing.

“You want to help him?” he asks.

“He doesn't kill people...and she thought that it could be done.”

“She did it, Patrick,” Pete says it carefully. Softly.

“I know she did, I know...” Patrick sighs.

“You are thinking about helping him, right?” Pete asks in the same careful voice.

“It was wrong what they did.”

“Brendon couldn't watch him die,” Pete answers.

“It's usually a good thing Ryan has Brendon, but I'm not so sure this was wise,” Patrick says.

“It wasn't. I'm the first one to admit it. It was wrong, but you know Brendon, he can't watch children die.” 

“Yeah...I don't know if I can help him. I never did and I couldn't do it like she did it,” Patrick says.  
Gerard holds his breath.  
   
~+~  
“So,” Pete says, sitting down on the couch. Gerard makes room for him and still doesn't let Pete touch him. “So, Andra was an evil witch. She did...things to all kinds of people and...” Pete stops and takes a deep breath.

“I know she was evil, I just wanted to be with Frank,” Gerard says quietly. He is not innocent. He did things too, to know where she is and he is ashamed of what he did. He didn't think too much about what she maybe would've wanted. He didn't want to. Pete's fingers twitch and Gerard smiles.

“Patrick is a shapeshifter,” Pete says out of the blue. Oh, Gerard thinks.

“That's why he...” he doesn't know how to finish this sentence. But it makes a lot more sense now, everything about Patrick was off.

“He is also a scientist,” Pete continues. Gerard knows that. After all it's Patrick who makes Pete's blood substitute. He nods. “He could... I mean, she was making poisons with shapshifter skin and blood and bones and really everything she could get her hands on. There aren't that many shapeshifters around anymore,” Pete says and it sounds bitter. Gerard is seventy years old and Patrick is the first one he sees, so he believes Pete.

“Is this how he looks?” Gerard asks.

“Yes, it is,” Pete answers with a smile.

“Do you know Ryan?” Gerard wants to know and maybe this is out of the blue as well, but he has a feeling here, so he goes with it. 

“Yeah,” Pete says. Gerard thinks he looks a bit uncomfortable.

“Did you make him? Are you his maker?”

“Well, yes. I was messed up and he was messed up and...”

“It's not your fault that I'm vampire, it's not your fault he killed me. It was his decision and he is not...not everything he did was bad. He sent me away with William,” Gerard says, he reaches out to squeeze Pete's fingers briefly. Pete closes his eyes and smiles.

“It is,” he says simply and Gerard thinks that he can't make Pete believe him.

“Patrick doesn't need to make your wrongs right,” he says instead.

“It's not like that,” Patrick says from the doorway. Gerard looks up, he didn't hear him. Patrick smiles. “I want to help you. You are a good person,” he adds and Gerard is glad he didn't say 'kid'.  
   
~+~  
Patrick told him at the beginning of his studies and experiments that he doesn't really know how to achieve what they are aiming for. That he needs to be patient and that it might hurt. It does. It hurts a lot and it's frustrating and he is exhausted and sometimes he wants Patrick to just give up. Because Patrick looks thin and exhausted as well.  
He hunts more often now, as his system is all messed up and he feels hungry constantly. It's a vicious, biting hunger that makes him in turn vicious and biting. Snapping at anyone and anything.  
   
~+~  
When Patrick finally does it, succeeds, Gerard can't believe it for nearly a week. He is accustomed to failure. He once stayed twenty something years old for whole three days before he just changed back to his own form. His own small body. And it was painful. He thought he would die and judging by Patrick's worried looks at that time he was too.  
So he stays on the couch and moves as little as possible, because he is so afraid.  
   
~+~  
“I think,” Patrick says after two months, “you will stay like this. You need to take the serum once a month. I don't know what will happen if you should forget, but I'm sure you won't.”

“Thank you,” Gerard says.

“You need to stay at least another six months,” Patrick says. Gerard nods. It's just because Patrick needs to make sure everything is okay. 

“Thank you,” he repeats.

“Don't mention it,” Patrick answers with a smile and Gerard hugs him.  
   
~+~  
He hugs Pete as well on his last night at their house. Now he is even bigger than Pete and it's strange, but exciting and he can travel alone and he can be with Frank.

“Take care, kid,” Pete says into his ear and Gerard doesn't tell him to not call him a kid.

“I will,” he whispers back instead.           
   
~6~  
He knew of course that Frank would look different. He just wasn't prepared for Frank looking so fucking good and what he wasn't for prepared either was Frank's girlfriend.  
The thing is, they look good together. As good as one can look with a girl drooling over your arm and stuff and he is not a creepy stalker or anything. She just happened to fall asleep on him and Gerard just happened to walk by the window and...okay, so maybe he is a bit of a stalker. Still not creepy like Edward Cullan. That has to count for something, right? Travis would so laugh at him while making plans for Stephanie Meyer’s head to land on a pike.  
What good does it do when you're all grown up and the love of your life...unlife?... has a girlfriend and looks all happy and has forgotten about you?  
He said he would wait, Gerard thinks bitterly. Seems four years is too long, on the other hand: Frank didn't even know if Gerard would come back. Gerard didn't even know if he would come back. He can't blame Frank for this. After all, he only wrote once a year. A card, nothing else and... Well, he can't blame Frank for finding love and happiness somewhere else. But it still hurts and he still wants to blame Frank.  
   
~+~  
He is vicious and moody and the only good thing about being alone is that no one else has to suffer because of it. On the other hand, he thinks, on the other hand, if he were with Frank he wouldn't be vicious and moody. Painting bloody seas and post apocalyptic towns full of dead bodies without hearts. He is aware that this might be a metaphor. Thank you very much.  
He tries to write to Pete and Patrick and William, but the words just don't come. Well, all the stuff about how he is not loved by anyone comes pretty easily, but that's all. And he is not going to be an emo vampire like Louis. He is not. So it's back to painting and stalking.  
   
~+~  
It's not that bad, really. Watching from the other side of the street, hidden in the shadows. Unnoticed by anyone. One with the night and his surroundings. He is totally a ninja. But when he's home alone, back at his apartment he thinks that a life as ninja must suck so much. Honestly. It's unnatural to be all alone, one with the night and unseen. Unnoticed. Stalking your best friend from afar. He should just say hello or something. But maybe Frank will not recognise him and what will he do then? A creepy old man stalking a young boy and his girlfriend. Yeah, he can see how that will go down.  
He has to face the fact that he will be alone for the rest of his life. Or until he finds someone else who can love him and he isn't even sure that it was that for Frank. He has a girlfriend for god's sake! Not a boyfriend. Maybe, he thinks, maybe he had it all wrong all along.  
   
~+~  
He is not letting this go and after a month he has the feeling that maybe Frank is still...maybe, still waiting. Sometimes when she talks to him he spaces out on her looking at the cards pinned above his desk. Gerard's cards.  
And they never said 'I love you', or well Gerard never heard them say it. That has to count for something, right?  
   
~+~  
He would like to say that this one time she sees him in the club watching Frank, was purely by chance, but it was not. He wanted to be seen, maybe not by her, but he wanted to be seen and the whole way home he was thinking about what she might have said to Frank.  
But as he lies on the couch he feels lonely again. Like all these years ago when Spencer would shut the door between him and them.   
   
~+~  
Frank nearly catches him three times. He is not as good a ninja as he thought, or alternatively Frank is a better one. Or maybe he wanted Frank to know. But it doesn't matter anyway, as Frank doesn't care for him and doesn't love him and his unlife sucks so much. It's just not fair. He did things and he was ready to sell his soul and maybe kill a few people (a few more that is), to do everything she would've wanted and Frank doesn't even remember him. And it doesn't matter that he didn't need to kill, hurt, bribe, steal and blackmail anymore once he found Pete and Patrick, because he did it in the years he was alone. He did all these awful things just so he could be with Frank. Just so Frank wouldn't have to feel like a bad person and...   
Bottom line: He hates his unlife and he will die alone and unloved and full of unresolved sexual tension.  
Also, he'll totally become a fucking emo vampire.  
   
~+~  
He is just stalking – keeping an eye on – Frank one random evening. The club was small and dark and some guy tried to piss Frank off, that's all Gerard can tell, nothing about the music, because he wasn't paying any attention to it. He was paying attention to Frank and his girlfriend. They weren't holding hands either this time. He suspects things are a bit off with them and he knows he shouldn't be glad, but he can't help it, he is. Frank's car broke down and she is making him responsible for it. Gerard knows it's not Frank's fault. His car is a piece of shit. (He dreams about buying Frank a new one, when he is not dreaming about Frank going down on him, that is.) He will just make sure they'll arrive safe at the bus station and then he will go home to wallow in his misery. (Vicky once said misery isn't for everyone, but he thinks that it's totally for him. It seems to love him.)  
He tells himself he will not do anything as the first punk is trying to piss off Frank again. And Frank is pretty cool for a few seconds, but truth is he was pissed off at the club and his girlfriend nagging didn't help his mood. Gerard can hear the blood rush and the hearts beat a lot faster. And he knows the punk is out for blood and that he is not alone and that... Who is he kidding? He's on those jerks the instant Frank's ass hits the ground.  
The blood smells delicious and it is so close and all the rage makes it taste even better and he just can't get enough. He remembers for a split second how Travis used to only feed from the evil scum and he thinks Travis would approve of his meal tonight.  
As the blood lust ebbs away a bit he sees Frank staring at him and he is... A monster. The heavy body he was holding falls to the ground and Frank says: “Gerard?” His voice is soft and Gerard doesn't know what to do! Because he wasn't prepared for this and Frank's girlfriend is right there and Frank is looking at him! So he flees. It's the reasonable thing to do.  
He hears Frank running after him, but he doesn't stop. He only stops when he doesn't hear the footsteps anymore, but a lot of coughing. And he didn't save Frank so he can get an asthma attack right now. So he goes back to the small alley and keeps his distance. Just a few steps. He just needs to make sure Frank is okay.

“Are you okay, Frankie?” Gerard asks. He is just making sure. He will be gone in a few minutes. He will.

"Fuck....YOU....mother....fucker." Frank wheezes. He steadies himself and looks up at Gerard. Gerard has no idea what Frank is thinking right now, Gerard only knows that he needs to get away from the blood.

“You're bleeding...” Gerard says and licks his lips. And it's kind of the worst thing to say.

“I need to lie down...” Frank says. Gerard is uncertain for a minute, but then he just picks Frank up and carries him back to his house. Frank passes out for a few minutes and Gerard panics a bit.  
   
~+~  
“So...” Gerard says, standing awkwardly on Frank's porch. He really wants to be with Frank, but he really also wants to be elsewhere.

“Please come in...” Frank whispers, grabbing his wrist and tugging him inside the dark and still house. Gerard doesn't make a sound as he follows Frank up into his room. It's still all so familiar.  
   
~7~  
Frank lets go of Gerard's hand to close the door behind them and then just stands there, staring really hard at Gerard, like really hard, taking everything in.

“I'm so mad at you,” Frank says, his voice just above a whisper, he is staring at Gerard's chest. Not meeting his eyes just yet. “I'm so pissed at you...” he says again, walking slowly over to Gerard, who is standing at the door, looking up as he says: “But if you leave again I'll be fucking _furious_.” He takes Gerard's hand and leads him to the bed and as Gerard sits down, he goes over to his closet and takes out the rig, they made as a weekend project when they were kids, with the vampire unicorns on them and the pale moon and clouds and shit.  
He pins it to the window to block out all the light and suddenly it's really dark in the room. Gerard is very still on the bed, watching Frank. He is unsure what will happen, but he thinks that Frank wanting him here is a good sign.  
As Frank lies down, he drags Gerard with him and wraps around him. Frank's skin feels warm and Gerard thinks that he has never been so warm in his life since he got turned. He strokes Frank's hair and listens to Frank's sighs before he drifts off.   
   
~+~  
Frank looks a bit confused as he wakes up. His hand clenches involuntary in Gerard's shirt.

“I'm still here,” Gerard says softly. He wants to stroke Frank's hair and inhale his scent and do all the things he wanted to do since he realised that he was in fucking love with Frank.   
Frank relaxes a bit, but doesn't roll away, there is no room, but maybe he doesn't want to.

“You are old now...why?” he asks into Gerard's shirt. Gerard can fell his breath on his skin.

Gerard shrugs and looks at the ceiling. "I didn't want to be eight forever. I didn't want to be left behind."   
Frank keeps silent and just snuggles closer to Gerard and Gerard begins to pet his hair as he wanted to since Frank woke up. Runs his fingers through it lightly, and it's longer now, but it feels still good. Different, but good. Familiar. Frank sighs and relaxes a bit more into Gerard's touch.

“You did that for me?” Frank asks, quietly.

“Yes,” Gerard answers. What else is there to say?   
Frank barely lets him get the full syllable out before he is pushing up on the tiny twin bed and straddling Gerard's body and kissing him with his hands on either side of his face. And it's all Gerard ever wanted and so much better, even if he feels that Frank is totally so ahead of him. This is his first real kiss and it was so worth waiting for. Waiting for Frank. Everything was worth it.  
Gerard's hands are hesitant as they run up and down Frank's thighs and back. He is impatient, he wants Frank so much, doesn't know where to touch first. Gerard is trying to touch him wherever possible. And maybe they are going too fast and Frank is still in his bloody clothes and...and Gerard is too.

“Is this working for you?” Frank asks into his mouth.

“God, yes,” Gerard answers, and it's really more a hiss. He should be embarrassed, but he is really not. Frank laughs into his mouth and Gerard nips his lip with his small sharp teeth and Frank moans and wow, Gerard thinks. Just fucking wow.  
Maybe they're really going too fast here but he wanted this and he knows Frank wanted this as well for years now and he doesn't want to wait. By the way Frank pushes down and rocks against him he thinks that Frank is totally on board with what they're doing.   
Frank is too hot and frantic and he is licking dried blood from Frank's neck and his thrusts are getting erratic and sloppy and he really should be a bit ashamed that he is going to come in his pants any minute, but he isn’t. After all this is his first time.   
Frank bites Gerard's neck as he comes and Gerard hisses in surprise, following him shortly after.  
   
~+~  
After, when they're lying snuggled together, naked, but not fooling around, just being close, Gerard stroking Frank's hair, Gerard looks over at the nightstand and reaches for the frame.

“That's me...” he says and Frank looks up.

“Yeah...”

“Where did you get it?” Gerard asks, putting it on the night stand again and leaning down to kiss Frank's head. He is curious.

“Mikey,” Frank says, getting up on his elbows to kiss Gerard properly. The name makes something twist in Gerard's stomach. Always did and where did Mikey get this picture? He needs to find that out, but maybe not now. Now is not the time. Frank is smiling as he licks a trail from Gerard's collar bone to his navel and lower. No, now is definitely not the right time to talk about his dead brother.  
   
~end~


End file.
